My dear Brothers and Sisters,
I’m writing you to tell you about the recent family reunion
in Las Vegas last night. After the other side of the family got together in
Simi Valley last month, I can understand if you’ve sworn off these events for
good. But I want to assure you, not every family is as dysfunctional (and let’s
be frank, racist) as they are. Our reunion at the Wynn resort was quite the opposite – nobody even mentioned The Apprentice – quite the relief after
this past summer. It was nice to be among reasonable adults again.
All of the attention was on mom, as per usual. Unlike past
reunions, she kept her poise quite well. I’m not going to lie though, Mom seems
a bit different. She still has no idea
how to operate a computer, but this wasn’t the same mother we’ve been complaining
about for years. I’m enjoying her midlife crisis – she sounds like a teenager!
She’s into all of the things that the kids are into these days. That stern,
calculated mother we grew up with is gone. Well, at least on the surface.
Remember when she wouldn’t let us go to that gay wedding 7 years ago? Now she
can’t stop gushing about how much fun these weddings are. Or back in the
nineties when I wouldn’t wear Nike because of their sweatshop practices and she
bought me Air Jordans and told me to shut up and accept it? Well to listen her
now you’d think she was Samuel Gompers! You know I’ve always had a complicated
relationship with our mother, but, dare I say I genuinely appreciated her
company last night.
Grandpa was there and he was the same grandpa we all know
and love: raising his voice, pounding his fist and complaining about how things
were better forty years ago. We all got a chuckle when he told mom that he’s
sick and tired of hearing about “her damn emails”. He still does that weird
thing where he mispronounces “Millionaires and Billionaires”, with the emphasis
on the last syllable as if he was talking about Legionnaire’s Disease, but that’s
what makes him grandpa. He’s still the stalwart we always turned to when mom
was being unreasonable. Heck, maybe Mom finally figured out why we love grandpa
so much and she’s trying to be more like him. I guess the whole family wins if
mom truly becomes a more articulate version of the old guy, but in my heart, I
prefer grandpa’s authenticity because I believe he means everything he says.
Even when he’s a little crazy. Do NOT get him started on guns.
As for Dad, I kept forgetting he was there, even though he
kept complaining about not be able to speak and nobody listening to him when he
did. He just stood there in the corner complaining about. I think he’d be more
comfortable with the other side of the family, frankly. What he didn’t realize
was that it’s not that we didn’t WANT him to speak. We just knew what he was
going to say because we’ve heard it all before. We know Dad, you were in
Vietnam. We respect that and thanked you a million times. We know you loved
President Reagan. While we don’t respect THAT, we shut up about it out of
respect for you. Go enjoy retirement, pop. You’ve earned it. Now go to bed, you have an early tee-time
tomorrow.
Our young brother Martin came back from college. He looks
great: Vibrant, tan, fit and he was full of grand ideas. You can tell he’s
really paying attention in class. He handled himself well and stood up to mom brilliantly.
Personally, I had a blast listening to him though I feel like I’m the only one
who did. I implore you to reach out to him, hear what he has to say. He’s still
a bit raw and unpolished, but he’ll impress you.
Oh, I almost forgot – remember our cousin Lincoln? You
probably haven’t seen him in decades. Probably not since his father passed away
(which he’s still not over, poor fella). Strange seeing him there in all honesty
and I’m not sure why he was invited, I always thought he was on the other side
of the family. I seriously don’t remember anything he said.
From what I hear, there are five more reunions scheduled in
the coming months. I don’t expect Dad and Cousin Lincoln to make it to all of
them, which should make the discussions even more compelling.
Maybe even Uncle Joe will show up at the next one!
Forever your brother,
Ed
